H.S.L. Mama

Friends, we are in India with our dear little daughter M. Because we haven’t yet passed court, we can’t post her name or pictures. But let me tell you, there are many, many pictures forthcoming. And some hilarious videos.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to post more detailed updates about the transition from the orphanage to ‘home’ in Delhi. For now, here are the highlights. In early April we traveled to India and met M at her orphanage. We visited daily and 3 weeks ago today we brought her to my in-laws home in Delhi. Technically, we are fostering her until we receive court finalization of our adoption. Next week we will return to her city (via a 14 hour train ride!) for our court date. Prayers appreciated!!!

M napping in her bedroom at the orphanage Photo credit: Vasudha Sagar

M napping in her bedroom at the orphanage
Photo credit: Vasudha Sagar

The transition from orphanage to home was very hard for M, and for us. She had lived there for the majority of her 3 years and experienced love and joy at the orphanage. She has spent the last few weeks grieving bravely, opening up her heart to us and learning the norms and quirks of family life. There is so much more to write, so I’m going to try and tackle this topic by topic. Because a lot of this is still raw (read: hard), I’ve decided to start with an easy topic: learning a foreign language as an adult.

M's handiwork. I have yet to attempt Hindi writing

M’s handiwork. I have yet to attempt Hindi writing

People often ask me how well I speak Hindi. Well, I finally have a clear answer: my toddler speaks better Hindi than I do. I think I can safely say I have the Hindi skills of a 2.75 year old.

It turns out, little M loves to talk. However, she only knows about 20 words in English, 15 of which are from ‘Ba Ba Black Sheep’. As a result, my Hindi has been steadily improving.

Because I have learned Hindi largely by watching Bollywood movies on repeat and unabashedly trying out whatever I think might be right, my Hindi is slightly eclectic. It’s a bit like a room furnished entirely from a thrift store, put together by someone who doesn’t have an eye for design. You know the look; the curtains clash horribly with the 70’s style floral couch, but the room is…functional. My verbs rarely match the gender of my nouns, but my toddler puts her cookies away when I tell her to, so we’re gonna call that success.

The newest additions to my Hindi are from a lesson plan I like to call Life With a Three Year Old. Here are a few words and phrases I’ve learned recently from M:

  • Let go
  • Wear this
  • It’s bed time
  • Sleep
  • Stop talking
  • Lap
  • Hold the swing with two hands
  • I have to pee/poo
  • It’s wet!
  • It will dry
  • Put that away
  • Tickle
  • Slide
  • Pretend
  • By myself!
  • Sparkles

For the most part, M and I can understand each other well. I speak enough Hindi to tell her most things, including ‘Don’t eat that candy the man in the park gave you’ and ‘Your Papa and I love you so, so much!’ . However, sometimes understanding her is a bit of challenge as she has an adorable accent from her home state, and, at 3.5 years old, she’s far ahead of me in Hindi fluency.

The other day, we were laying on the bed playing and M told me something about ‘cuh-lay’. I spun through the rolodex of Hindi Words that Sound like ‘Cuh-lay’, and came up with ‘play’. I asked, Do you want to play? What do you want to play? She repeated herself, louder this time. (As we know from experience with English language learners, speaking louder always improves comprehension.) With a sigh, she changed tactics: ‘When Bua (Aunt Vasudha) was here, she made a flower with it….’ Then I remembered, Bua made a flower with play doh, play doh is ‘clay’! (Clay is English and I speak English.) Womp womp.

Sometimes Hindi is actually English, and that’s confusing too.

Clay flowers

Clay flowers

So here we are, years of giggling at Varun’s linguistic mishaps and I now have a three year old correcting my verb tenses. Thus begins my life as an H.S.L. (Hindi as a second/other language) Mama!

Categories: adoption, communication, confusion, Hindi, india, language | 4 Comments

All The Feelings

Friends! We are going to India in 3 weeks to meet our little girl!!! 

To say that we are experiencing All the Feelings is a bit of an understatement. Since we found out two weeks ago that the time has come, we have been up to our eyeballs in preparation. Think: nesting + moving out of hotel into friends house + finishing up at work + re-buying items destroyed in flood + mountains of paperwork.

But really, this is why Starbucks offers double shots of espresso: because every task I complete on my Family To-Do Spreadsheet is one step closer to hugging my baby girl.

Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 4.41.40 PM

Love the enthusiasm this travel agent brings

Ok. Maybe I should backtrack. A few weeks ago we received our NOC, which is an approval from the Indian government saying that our match with M has ‘no objections’ and can go to Indian court. At this point, we began to hear word that we would be able to go to India and foster M during the court process. Originally, we had been planning on going when court was over and staying for 2-3 weeks. But here was the opportunity to go ASAP and spend 2-3 months (or more?) with M in our home in India while the paperwork is completed.

We dreamed about it, which turned into musing, which turned into considering, which turned into OF COURSE YES!

So, we told our bosses we’re taking parental leave, we applied for visas, bought tickets, filled out fostering paperwork, and, best of all–we got to FaceTime with M! Twice! And the lovely director of the orphanage encouraged us to call regularly to help make M’s transition more smooth. Oh my heart.

You guys, this girl is adorable. M has been inviting all of her friends to come to Canada with her (yes, please). She told us about her favourite foods, the dance she performed at Christmas and, after serious prompting, told us in English, “I love you”.

All. The. Feels.

Sadly, I can’t post her picture online, so instead I’ll just insert some adorable baby animals.

Rant Lifestyle

Rant Lifestyle

Taken from Rant Lifestyle

Rant Lifestyle

Rant Lifestyle

Rant Lifestyle

Not as cute as M, but they’ll tide you over until I can post her charming smile.

Are we excited?! YES!

But. Honestly? There is a trail mix of emotions and thoughts inside me, blog posts for another day.

For now, we’re celebrating that we are many steps closer to meeting our daughter!

IMG_3747

Categories: adoption, family, india | 9 Comments

The Tapestry of Grace

Unpredictable. Chaotic. Surprising. Arduous. Exhilarating.

It’s hard to sum up life these days. Life since…well my last blog post was just shy of a year ago. I never stopped blogging intentionally; life became full and the longer I went without blogging, the more difficult it became to imagine posting again. So here we are: a toe-in-the-water post. Nothing particularly inspiring or hilarious. Just life.

Rather than writing a history of the past year of my life (snooze), I think I’ll just leave you with two updates.

Adoption! 

If you’ve been following this blog for long, you know Varun and I have been in the process of adopting a little one from India for 3.5 years. The short version of the story is that in August 2015, we were matched with a little girl, whom we’ll call ‘M’ for now. She is 3.5 years old, lives in Uttar Pradesh and enjoys chocolate and talking (love this girl already). We are currently navigating (sometimes adrift among) the remaining paperwork and *hope* to bring home little M by the late summer.

Due to Reasons, I can’t post pictures of her giant eyes and sweet smile, but trust me, she’s a cutie.

Our celebration on M's birthday

Our celebration on M’s birthday

If you have sent prayers or texts or books or blankets or clothes or smiles or furniture or toys…or have in any way helped us to hold the torch of hope during these (sometimes bleak) days of waiting: thank you. They say it takes a village to raise a child; I know it definitely takes a village to wait for a child. Thank you: You have held our hearts above water.

Speaking of Water. 

(This is a terrible segue). In early January, Varun and I were on our annual retreat, resting and dreaming about the upcoming year. As we lay sleeping peacefully in our B&B, we were startled to consciousness by our neighbour phoning us, frantic. “You have to come home! There is two feet of water in the apartment!!”. Thinking of the 6 years of adoption and immigration paperwork sloppily stored on the floor (I never claimed to be a gifted administrator), we packed up and sped home.

The entrance to the road we live on was blocked with firetrucks and ambulances. Hundreds of building occupants stood huddled outside the building, fighting in vain to stay warm in the cold January rain. Inside the building was mayhem: a fire standpipe had broken on the 6th floor, inundating the bottom 6 floors of the apartment with thousands of litres of water. Thankfully, our unit only had 2 inches of water, something that came as a happy surprise. Never mind that water was pouring into our bedroom through a crack in the ceiling; our paperwork was safe. We learned a lesson that day about expectations.

The first floor hallway

The first floor hallway

In the days that followed, Varun and I were showered with love and generosity. From coworkers who made us lunches to church friends who shared their homes, we received a torrent (so many water puns) of love and kindness. And it doesn’t stop with us! Our coworkers and church friends gave our neighbours bedding, room in their home, gift cards, meals…In a time of incredible stress and great need, our tribe showed up.

Next came fighting our landlord for fair compensation, emptying our unit and finding long-term short-term housing. So here we are, 5 weeks after the flood and exhausted and wealthy beyond imagining. We have been the recipients of so much love and grace. Are we weary? Very much: it’s been a long haul including the flu, colds and various pestilences. Are we loved? Immensely.

And The Plan. We sing a song in church that says:

And teach me humbly to receive
The sun and rain of Your sovereignty.
Each strand of sorrow has a place
Within this tapestry of grace…

(Keith Getty)

(More water puns, ha ha!)

In this season of feeling like we see a lot of strands of sorrow and suffering, we have been gifted in seeing some of the bigger tapestry. The hotel in which we are currently staying is home to 188 of the 499 Syrian refugees who are newcomers to Hamilton. Our being displaced here has afforded us the opportunity to connect with and love on some of the most vulnerable in our city. Although we don’t have a ton of energy to spare these days, we’ve been able to connect these new friends with our Church’s ESL classes and host a social for some of the women and children.

Crafts and snacks: the universal language

Crafts and snacks: the universal language

So, all in all. Life has been nuts. Our adoption agency tells us we will bring our daughter home in “6-8 months” and our landlord tells us we can move back home in “2-3 months”. If ever there has been a time to roll with the punches, it’s now.

IMG_3380 (1)

Bring it.

Categories: adoption, friends, immigration, life, love, neighbours | 4 Comments

From ‘Namaste’ to ‘I Do’

I’ll never forget the uncertainty and fear I felt, as I sat at the kitchen table, tracing the word “pyaar” (love) in gold letters on our wedding invitations. My thoughts were racing to process the contents of a recent discussion Varun and I had had in premarital counselling.

While exploring the chapter on extended family, Varun had explained that he would expect and hope to be available to care for his parents as they age. This, he shared, might mean, moving home to India or inviting them to live with us. I had two thoughts when I heard this: run! ignore! If I’m honest, there was a big part of me that was tempted to say, He doesn’t really mean that. He’ll change his mind. But, the wiser, more mature side of me knew, If I marry this man, I marry him as-is.

Now, let me clarify: I absolutely love Varun’s parents: they are generous, kind, loving, fun-loving, wise and affectionate. They have made me feel like a beloved and welcomed daughter from Day 1.

Screen Shot 2015-02-27 at 3.49.29 PM

 

However, the intensity of Varun’s conviction in such a nebulous proposal made me do a double take. It really had nothing to do with his parents, or where we should live or whether or not we would move to India in 15 years. What terrified me was that there was an ingrained, cultural ideal that made Varun feel convicted, and I did not hear that same voice tugging at my heart and mind.

As I stacked completed wedding invitations, I had a growing realization of the fragility of our relationship. We are two people from vastly different religious, cultural and linguistic backgrounds, about to pledge our hearts to one another for life, no matter what. I didn’t hear the voice that Varun did, and yet we were committing to walking hand in hand into the future.

I knew at that moment, that if I married Varun, I would be marrying those voices. This doesn’t mean we blindly follow my culture or his, or that our families, backgrounds or customs dictate our choices. What it does mean, is that there are voices and customs and languages and ideals offering their vote in our heads at each junction; and it’s our job to forge ahead, creating a unique Varun & Amelia hybrid culture. (Hint: easier said than done!)

With my invitation-making party drawing to a close, I had come to a conclusion in my heart: because of our shared faith, the integrity of Varun’s character and my absolute joy in being with him, I would continue forward. I also made a commitment to myself never to irnore or underestimate the differences, but to truly listen and hear, even when the desires or convictions run counter to my own.

esl marriage collage

I recently had the privilege of chatting with an incredible intercultural couple who will be getting married soon. As we chatted about intercultural relationships, I realized how much Varun and I have wrestled with over the years, the hard conversations we’ve had, and the things I wish we’d been asked about or told.

I started thinking about the power of conversation, and the possibilities of creating a tool to help those on the intercultural marriage journey. So to that end, I want your input! Leave a comment, shoot me an email, text, PM, call…or even write me a letter (yes, the kind with stamps) and tell me:

  • What questions helped you to process your intercultural relationship (before or after marriage)?
  • Did you find premarital counselling helpful? Why or why not? What in particular was helpful?
  • What were the biggest hurdles you found in moving from dating to marriage?
  • What do you feel you were unprepared for after marriage? How do you feel you were prepared?
  • How do your cultural differences impact your marriage/relationship?
  • How did you navigate differing familial and cultural expectations around wedding ceremonies, traditions, etc.?
  • What cultural differences have the biggest impact on your marriage/relationship (family relationships, finances, community, sexuality, etc.)?
  • What do you wish someone had told you ahead of time about being in an intercultural relationship?
  • What supports would empower you as you negotiate and learn the ropes of an intercultural relationship?

*All responses will be kept in confidence. I won’t blog about you–without asking first! 

It’s important to note that I want to hear from everyone, as every relationship is, in some way (big or small), intercultural. I’m so excited to hear your thoughts!

Happy Friday, y’all! 

Categories: celebrations, communication, family, love, wedding | 1 Comment

Thoughts From The Job Hunting Life

“So, what do you do?” If these words inspire fear and trembling, you, like me, might be job-hunting.

As you may or may not know, I spent 3.5 years of my life and a somewhat extensive (for Canada) student loan on graduate school. Having completed my Masters in Clinical Counselling, I am now ready to take on the world.

grad

Since job-hunting can be a stretching experience, I thought I’d write about it. ‘Cuz that’s what I do when something is hard or exciting or strange or hilarious. And then I remembered, I have written about job-hunting! In my pre-blog days, I used to type pithy posts and save them to my folder where they never again saw the light of day. But today, I’ve dug this up from the archives to give you a glimpse into Amelia’s Brain on Unemployment, circa 2010.

This gem is from Year 1 of married life, in which Varun graduated from University at the height of the recession and spent over a year looking for a job, while I worked as an intern for campus ministry. When my contract ended, we were both unemployed. That was the summer of resumes and learning to iron and ultimately, moving across Canada to our new home (and job!) in Ontario….

—-

Did you ever wonder why Mr. Roger’s went to car factories and bakeries and music stores but he never took you to visit someone who’s unemployed? You might have thought this is because he wanted to inspire you to work hard and develop skills and if you saw the good life of the unemployed who watch the Price Is Right all day, you’d never finish kindergarten. Probably it’s because he didn’t want to depress your socks off by showing you that after years of recess and algebra and history classes, there’s a chance you might not get a job at the bakery, or even as a Mr. McFeely doing speedy deliveries.

hqdefault

After being unemployed for 5 official business days, I feel at liberty to reflect on the topic. My expertise comes not from my own experience, but from my husband’s 369 days of unemployment. You see, I would say that unemployment is harder than working. What?!, you say. While it’s true that you can make your own schedule, sleep in and eat instant noodles whenever you want, having a job has its perks. Income, for example. And, as much as I crave flexibility, having a regular schedule does wonders for your sleeping and exercising habits. And let’s be honest, how much Youtube can you watch? (A lot, I know. But 369 days worth?)

But really, the worst part of being unemployed is the noise that is as constant as a dripping faucet. It’s there at parties, while out with friends, while checking job postings and especially on the 1st of each month. This, my friends, is the noise of responsibility. It’s the voice that whispers, “It’s 8:31 am, what are you doing in bed?!” and, “Rent’s due, again? Wow. Time flies”. You see, the difference between a planned in-between-jobs vacation and being unemployed is just that: plans. When there’s money in the bank and vacation on the calendar, we’re happy to prop up our feet for weeks without feeling restless or guilty. But give yourself one day on the unemployed roster, and you’re up to your neck in guilt thicker than gravy.

I have to say though, mad props to my husband for his persistence. As I type this encouraging and helpful diatribe he is warm-calling CEO’s at companies for which he’d like to work. This man is a champion. In fact, he’s a genius at job-hunting. After only 2 days I realized my ineptitude and turned to him for resume and CEO-stalking tips. I wonder if he shouldn’t open up a job-hunting business, he definitely has the requisite experience in searching

unemployment

In all seriousness, I have a whole new respect for those 9.9% of Americans and thousands of others who are unemployed. Although we spend our days sending out resumes and “working”, I think physics makes a good point by calling “work” force multiplied by displacement; this means that any energy exerted that doesn’t result in movement isn’t “work”. Likewise, the job-hunter spends hours exerting energy and at the end of the day hasn’t seen much movement. But, luckily for these job-hunters, Youtube has enough Star Trek episodes to fill any void of frustration.

—–

Wow, apparently Amelia’s Brain On Unemployment (2010 Edition) was way better at Physics than the 2015 Edition is. Because that last paragraph was a doozy.

At any rate, my thoughts and feelings this go-round are quite different. For one thing, my affinity for Star Trek has declined markedly. For another, I’m working part-time so ‘unemployed’ is not the most accurate term. I’m also experiencing this time of job-hunting as one of opportunities; life is so very full of friendships and learning and serving and growing. It’s turning out to be a season of asking questions, exploring my identity and being brave. Perhaps this calls for a follow-up post…

But for now, I have job boards to search and a chocolate chip cookie speedy delivery to make.

This cookie picture is 100% stolen from my sister. My cookies didn't make it to the picture stage.

This cookie picture is 100% stolen from my sister. My cookies didn’t make it to the picture stage.

Categories: life, physics | 1 Comment