Chili and Being Real

I’m sorry there’s not enough salad. And the chili doesn’t really taste like anything. Feel free to add spices. Or whatever. It’s okay if you hate chili–I won’t be offended. I rehearsed these apologies over and over again in my head as I walked over to the home of  a couple in our Bible Study who just had a baby girl. I peeked into the bag again to make sure the chili hadn’t leaked out of the jars. [Yes, jars. In case you hadn't heard, jars are the news Tupperware. It also happens that all my Tupperware containers have disappeared. So that is also a factor.]

Oh dear, that is anemic-looking chili, I thought, and the rehearsal began again.

But you know what? That is an enormous waste of emotional energy. And it’s silly. And my chili is actually half decent.

A few weeks ago, a friend of ours had a medical emergency and I found myself babysitting a wee-one and holding down the fort. And sometime around mid-afternoon, meals started being delivered for this dear family. As I held a toddler hand and listened to directions about pre-heating ovens and D-e-s-s-e-r-t, I heard something louder than the instructions: no apologies.

Neither of these lovely ladies apologized for over-cooking the quinoa or not adding enough oregano. They didn’t explain why they “only” brought salad and an entree. And you know what? That made sense: because it wasn’t about them. It wasn’t about me babysitting either. It was about loving on a family and helping them get through a really tough day.

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Back to my chili. As I thought about that afternoon spent babysitting, I felt challenged to not apologize but to simply hand over the chili and back away slowly. This would mean not subtly implying that I can bake up a storm (if I’d only had time!) and that no matter how yummy this may taste, I can cook way more delicious food. Essentially, I’d just hand a new Mama a meal.

So as I waited for the crosswalk sign to light up, I swore to say Nothing.

Well here’s the problem, people: old habits die hard. (It would be helpful to note here that my boss has forbidden me to apologize in meetings. This is an indication of my problem…)

Maybe it was the scent of newborn or her little nose or the genuine joy of Mama, but I forgot my resolve. I found myself saying, “So yeah, my brother said it was cruel to bring you chili after you just gave birth. Um…I had no idea. I’m sorry. Also, it pretty much doesn’t taste like anything because I didn’t know your spice tolerance and–”

And then the baby cooed (actually I think she pooped) and we got distracted and we hugged and smiled and dinner was all but forgotten.

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In case you were confused, this is not a How To Be Awesome At Delivering Supper Post. Nor is it a Female Only Post. This is a post about being real. I want to stop using apologies like concealer. I want to be someone who can hand over dinner and be 1000% into hearing about your epidural (Let’s be honest: I may not ever reach 1000% on that one). In fact, I want to be able to ring the door bell and walk away, no note, no accolade, no attention on me. I want to do my best and not garnish it with an “I’m sorry!”.

Is anyone else struggling to be the real deal? Are you a compulsive apologizer? Do you think your chili recipe is better than mine? If so, please make it for me. I did not have a baby or a medical emergency but I am always open to delectable chili.

Categories: food, friends, love | 5 Comments

A Letter To Adoptive Mamas

I love that not even 2 days go by without someone asking how our adoption is going. The expectation and support of Our People is epic. The smiles and hugs and prayers and “It’ll happen”s keep us from getting discouraged. Also, the baby books and cookies don’t hurt either (The cookies are for us. So are the books, who am I kidding?).

Today, my Aunt K passed along this beautiful letter entitled, “Dear Moms of Adopted Children“. Whether you are considering adoption, were adopted yourself or love someone who is pursuing adoption, this is worth a read!

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Oops. I forgot to tell you to grab some tissues.

Happy Thursday, friends! I hope you can enjoy the sunshine I waited for patiently all winter!

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Categories: adoption, family, kids, love, sunshine | Leave a comment

Change Starts With Your Underwear

I spent about 3 hours googling ‘Fair Trade Underwear’. I didn’t do this because I have no hobbies or friends, but because we made an Unofficial Commitment to buying only ethical and/or Fair trade, or second hand clothing items for the year. I wasn’t sure if this was something I would blog about (Hey everyone! Look at me! Aren’t I sacrificial and AWESOME?), but after the tragic garment factory collapse, I wanted to open up some honest discussion about clothes.

In case you’re not aware, last week a clothes factory collapsed in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Today, the death toll is over 600.

600 people dead in one day because of unsafe working conditions.

The BBC shares the grim truth: “In order to capture the lower end of the global market, successive governments have promoted Bangladesh as the source of cheap clothing…But the lure of quick dollars has attracted a whole range of cowboy operators who cut corners to drive costs further down. The result is factories in unsafe buildings with poor safety measures.”

While I’m not an economist and realize the situation is quite complex, I know one thing: I have access to clothing that is unreasonably cheap. And halfway around the world, our brothers and sisters are dying in factories made unsafe by greed–and a desire to provide cheap clothing.

Like most commitments, this one emerged from a late night conversation about Life, The World and Clothes. My dear friend Beth and I were sipping chai and giggling when the topic turned to ethical buying practices. We lamented our lack of cash flow. We lamented slave labour and unsafe working conditions. We realized our ‘cash flow problems’ were nowhere near as lamentable as children working (or dying) in sweatshops.

For me, buying ethically is something of an ideal I aspire to someday reach. But for reasons of knowledge, time, money and resources, I can’t just switch over tomorrow. So, we started with chocolate. Tiny, but it is something. While Beth and I chatted, I realized how easy it would be to do clothes.

I don’t know about you, but I could pack up half my clothes right now and still be good for all four seasons. And look half-decent. That is startling to think about. And yet I wouldn’t hesitate to order something when Old Navy has a Free Shipping! sale or when I realize that peach and mint green are The Colours. But really, how are these clothes so cheap? And why do I keep filling my closet just to fill more boxes for Goodwill? And why do I spend money on things I don’t need?

When I say blithely that I can’t afford to buy ethical clothing only, I mean “I can’t afford it if I want to keep buying at the same rate”. That’s true. So, I considered my wardrobe needs for the year and agreed to Beth’s proposition: no clothing items (shoes, clothes, jackets, etc) that aren’t ethically made, Fair Trade or second hand.

And you know what? It’s been awesome.

I have bought exactly two clothing items since January. Today as Varun and I walked through the mall to buy batteries, I didn’t feel the pull of neon tank tops for $10. I didn’t have to talk myself down from “Well I don’t need it. But it is cute and you can always use another…”

I just kept walking.

But let’s be honest, sometimes you absolutely do need new ______. And it came to pass that I needed some new underwear (Yup, we’re going there. Don’t worry, this is PG). Let’s just say elastic does have a limited life expectancy and it’s approximately 5 years. Apparently, I bought several pairs of underwear on the same day in 2006 and they all died this spring. On the same day.

This is how I found myself googling Fair Trade underwear. The prospects were grim: I found websites featuring middle-aged models fording streams in hiking-trip-coloured underwear that  was ‘comfortable’ and ‘quick dry’. Meh, not so much. I also found websites based in the UK offering £30 ‘pants’ with cherries on them. Le sigh.

Finally, I came across PACT. Here is ethically made (Not Fair Trade because it’s made in the USA), stylish and comfortable underwear. For a reasonable price. And some of the proceeds go toward planting urban gardens. And they are fully returnable, come in normal sizes and who doesn’t want their underwear to help plant lima beans in downtown Detroit?

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To be fair, this underwear is not dirt cheap. They cost $10-22 (cheaper on clearance and depending on style). If I wanted to buy 6 pairs in one go or keep up my normal rate of spending on clothing, this cost would be prohibitive. But because I haven’t spent a dime on clothes since January, and because I was looking for only how many I needed, I picked two pairs. My total was $24.

Not only was it mailed promptly and sent in recycled packaging, it comes with an awesome tag. Seriously, how can you not love this?

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So far, we haven’t really been feeling the pinch of not buying things. Like most North Americans, we have far more clothes than we need, and besides being slightly behind the season’s fashions (which we would be anyway), it’s only saved us time, money and headache. I imagine though, that within the next few months, we will have to adjust our expectations. We may have to go without something new and trendy that we’re really wanting. Or, we may need to shell out a bit more cash for new shoes or a new belt (someone help me find Varun an ethically made belt!).

But when we take a step back, and look at the cost of cheap clothing, I think I can easily say it’s worth it.

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How do you balance legitimate needs with ethical concerns? Do you have a favourite company, brand or website that sells ethically made clothes or shoes? What are your thoughts on fair trade or ethically made? What is the life expectancy of underwear elastic!?

 

 

(These thoughts are entirely my own. Pact did not sponsor or endorse this post in anyway.)

Categories: awkward, injustice, international, poverty | 7 Comments

Adoption Update: A Surprise Twist

I once woke up to find a note under my pillow that told me we were flying to California for my uncle’s wedding. At 11, I had never been on a plane and California seemed to be about The Coolest Thing that could happen to my 5th grade self. But the waiting—it was agony. Luckily, 11 year old Amelia was a big fan of paper chains. I made them to count down to Christmas, the end of school and, of course, our California trip. My sister and I made a mix, rocked out to The Wedding Singer Soundtrack and packed our coolest baggy sweatshirts, flares and headbands.

Waiting for our child is a bit like this. Instead of a paper chain, we have paper signs on our fridge saying ‘Approval!’ and ‘Assigned a RIPA’. Instead of the Wedding Singer, I’m making an adoption playlist (‘A Growing Heart’). Instead of flares and headbands….nope, thanks to Pinterest I’m still wearing headbands.

…Can you tell I’m procrastinating the actual April Adoption Update?

There’s a reason.

Our adoption is…in a holding pattern. Way back in December we gleefully announced that our wee one would be from a RIPA in Andhra Pradesh. Well, in March we got a phone call saying that that RIPA (Orphanage) wouldn’t be able to match us with a child. So, our agency put our file back into the main system (CARA) and we are currently waiting for CARA to reassign us to a new RIPA (orphanage/region).

We’ve been waiting since mid-March for the news from our agency that we’ve been assigned a RIPA. From there, we’ll wait to be assigned a child. At this point, our timeline is quite fuzzy. (Hence the lack of paper chains). On the one hand, anything could happen: we could get assigned a RIPA and a child all in the next month. On the other (more likely) hand, it could be months and months of waiting.

Applications: this is how babies are made in this family.

Applications: this is how babies are made in this family.

And so we wait.

We hang out with adoptive families, learning from the parental wisdom and loving on the kiddies; we babysit friend’s kids and play hide & seek and imagine our life, our little kiddo. We fill out grant applications and save money and keep up with paperwork. We are inundated with love, prayers, support and even financial help from friends, family and strangers. We pray for our child every night and try not to weep over every gotcha day video or random children’s books.

I read this while babysitting. There was weeping.

I read this while babysitting. There was weeping.

And some day, maybe next week or maybe next month, we’ll be matched with a RIPA. And then we’ll be back on an official waiting list waiting to be matched.

Thank you for loving on us, praying for our little one and journeying through this with us!

Timeline in Review

July 2012: Begin homestudy and provincial training

September 2012: Complete homestudy

October 2012: Provincial approval to adopt!

November 2012: Registered with India (CARA)

December 2012: Assigned a RIPA in Andhra Pradesh

March 2012: Withdrawn from RIPA, re-entered into CARA’s system

April 2012: Waiting to be assigned a RIPA so we can be matched with a child….

Categories: adoption, confusion, family, kids, life, love | 9 Comments

What We’ve Been Laughing About

I’m a firm believer in laughter. Varun and I take great joy in laughing at with each other over cultural and linguistic confusions. Here’s what we’ve been laughing about this week…

Me: Oh, that reminds me of this movie I used to watch as a kid, Bambi.

Varun: Barbie?

Me: No, Bambi. It’s about this little deer, and his mom gets shot–

Varun: What?!

Me: Um. Wait. No, the forest burns down..and then his mom gets shot?–

Varun: ????

Me: No, there’s more. There’s something happy….

Varun: You have very strange children’s movies.

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See, doesn’t this look like a happy kid’s movie?!

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In other news, when we got married I found a shirt in Varun’s clothing collection that raised several questions. I tried to explain why it’s an exercise/sleeping-only-shirt. The other day, I noticed Varun was wearing it before our prayer meeting. I mentioned that *maybe* he would want to throw on something else. He laughed and said, “Let’s see if they notice!”

Would you believe that they did, in fact, notice?

Mid-way through a prayer request, our friend A asked, “WHAT is going on with your shirt?” (Or something to that effect. We were laughing too hard to remember his words).

Varun looked at his shirt nonchalantly and said, “Oh. I got it at my bachelor party. I wore it a bunch to church and stuff before Amelia explained it to me”.

Oh. Dear.

cougar bait

(In case, like Varun, you’re unfamiliar with this phrase….A  cougar is an older woman who pursues younger men)

Categories: communication, confusion, friends, hilarious, language | Leave a comment